Sometime in the middle of the night I felt it. The fog of sleep lifted just enough for me to groan and shift position. But it didn’t take long for the leg pain to set in again. Another groan, another shift.

Nothing seemed to help. Propping on a pillow. Rolling to my side. Even loosening the straps of my brace. All temporary fixes at best.

I drifted in and out of slumber, the ache periodically prompting me to try another position.

My husband woke briefly to ask about me. I whispered my problem, and although I thought about seeking relief in the form of ibuprofen, I chose not to disturb his sleep further. I remained silent.

I remained silent and suffered through the night for it.

In the morning, he wondered why I didn’t ask for the pain meds. It was a simple request. One that wouldn’t have taken him long to fill. He could have gone right back to sleep.

Why didn’t I ask? Something so simple, but the answer—more complex.

I remained silent for the same reason I struggle to seek help in other areas of life.

I remained silent because I think I can do life alone, because I fear my troubles may not be worth someone else’s time.

I remained silent because, in my mind, if I had it all together I wouldn’t need help. If I was just stronger; wiser; prettier; had a stronger faith; gave more; planned ahead; was a better friend, wife, or mother; read the right books; prayed the right prayers ….

If I was only … !

Does it sound familiar?

How many times do we walk in silence because we don’t feel “good enough”? How often does the enemy convince us we aren’t deserving? Why is it so easy to buy into his lies, to suffer in our silence?

Nothing makes Satan happier than when we question our place as redeemed sons and daughters of God, as heirs to His Kingdom.

To counter the enemy’s lies, we need to clothe ourselves with the armor of God—to deflect those deadly arrows with the sword of the Spirit and the shield of faith. When doubt creeps in, push it aside with the truth of the Gospel that we are God’s beloved children, worthy because He says we are, because He made us so with His very blood.  

Was Jesus Christ disillusioned when He willingly gave up His life for us? Was His death on the cross a waste or worse yet, a practical joke? Did He have it wrong?

Each time we question our merit, we are adding another stripe to Christ’s already bloodied back. Every time we doubt our worth, we administer another slap to His mutilated face, hammer another nail through His pierced hands and feet.

It is true; in our sin-filled bodies we aren’t worthy. On our own merit, we are only deserving of death.

But this is GRACE, my friends! Unmerited favor. A costly gift, freely given. A life-giving gift to be freely accepted.

So, put away your “If I was only’s.” Don’t remain silent any longer. Shout your Christ-won worth from the mountaintops and live it with joy!

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 2:4–6, ESV).

Question for you: What has helped you put away thoughts of unworthiness and embrace grace as a reality in your life?

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